Coming back from Sri Lanka, I was looking forward to meeting all my friends and family, and I was longing for all the different small things I’ve been somehow missing, even though I had a great but very different life in Sri Lanka.
I drank and ate everything I had been longing for, so I drank bubbly and wine as I used to before and constantly ate random things, or just went out to buy something that I was fancying at that particular moment. I felt a little like and addict back from rehab and falling head on back into the old habits. I realised that these urges and the immediate satisfaction of them didn’t bring me any long-term satisfaction. I was wondering: Does it make sense to follow immediate urges or what is the strategy to deal with them? I have been trying to listen to my body and my guts but I guess this is not the right way… but what is? I wanted to get back to my old life but realised that the experiences had changed me and that my old life wasn’t exactly what I wanted to go back to anymore.
I felt out of place in my own home. It felt exactly the same as before, but then again, I was so used to having company all the time in Sri Lanka, that I actually ended up feeling lonely and alone at the same time. I had all the friends and family back in my surroundings but I still felt left on my own. I was absolutely confused and caught between missing the place I had just come back from and feeling strange in the middle of my home while preparing for the next journey.
I felt like I also couldn’t properly connect with the people I was waiting to see again. I was still with the lovely people I met in Sri Lanka with one part of my heart and partly at home preparing for the next step of going to Africa. I was running around to get Visas and arrange papers while I was trying to process the period of time that had just ended. I was stuck in between 3 different worlds.
At that moment I realised that THE MIND AND THE HEART TRAVEL MORE SLOWLY THAN THE MIND.
Everything needs time to be processed, and being on the road means that there are so many more impressions to work out than in the everyday life I had before leaving and letting go of everything at home. Also, the impressions and prints people had left behind in one’s heart, as well as the effect the relationships and friendships which have formed have left behind, need to be processed and it is again a process of letting go, just the same way as when I left home in July. I felt like there was no reason to settle in back home as I would leave again shortly.
The positive side of all this is mess is, that with the limited time at hands, one appreciates and values all the people and one’s home situation much more. I consciously enjoyed all the good moments and the nice words and cards I received, and discussions I had. I found out who the right people in my life are and that many relationships are more valuable than I expected in my routined life. I realised that my presence back home might be more valued than I expected it to be, as I had often thought my surrounding wouldn’t care if I stayed or left.
All in all, it was all CONFUSING to be at home in transit…. Coming home from one place and preparing for the next places is emotionally and energetically exhausting and challenging. I have never thought all of this could cause such an emotional rollercoaster and the perception if my life would be so different. But anyhow… I have now arrived in Johannesburg, South Africa and am trying to actually realise I have arrived in a new place and trying to find my place here now for the next month with the new family I am living with and the new project I am working in.